Wave magazine

Stand-up comedienne Netty Wendt unveils her innovative food waste receptacle: Gerty the seagull

There’s been a great deal of talk about rubbish tax. As a self-employed person, all tax is rubbish. Seriously though, the draconian measure of taxing people for the amount of crap they create may well be the only way to stem the flow into landfill. Some wicked councils ship our waste across the world for burial. No one wants to dump on their own door step but ‘Keeping Britain Tidy’ this way is as green and pleasant as a cruise on the Exxon Valdez.

“I recycled my nasty old car which was so ugly we called it ‘The Hatchback of Notre Dame’ and I’m reliably informed it’s now part of a children’s playground”

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Netty Wendt says running on Brighton seafront is a great way to keep fit

I’ve always wanted to look sporty. I know running is the main reason I stay slim because a year ago I stopped, and within months became a sumo…which was not the sport I’d had in mind. I remember taking an armful of trendy clothes into a changing room and realising to my horror the only thing that would fit me was the cubicle curtain.

“I remember taking an armful of trendy clothes into a changing room and realising to my horror the only thing that would fit me was the cubicle curtain”

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Stand-up comedienne Netty Wendt on TV doctors and her experiences with alternatives therapies

For me, one of life’s guilty pleasures is curling up on rainy afternoons and watching soaps like Doctors.

Have you noticed how, on TV, doctors bend over backwards to assist every patient who stumbles into their surgery? They also arrive on your doorstep unannounced to ask if you’re really OK, or were youjust shamming to cover some deeper underlying malaise? They follow you round the shops… sometimes in their wheelchairs. Can they come in and discuss your life-story? Would an affair be out of the question? It’s hilarious – in real life, my doctor doodles as I speak, has confessed he’d rather be playing golf and routinely calls me ‘Wendy’. Believe me, an affair would be out of the question.

“Being a confirmed hypochondriac, I regularly produce illnesses to have therapies for. My partner reckons I suffer from a version of M.E. It’s called me, me, me!”

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Stand-up comedienne Netty Wendt expounds the joys of taking a break close to home

As a kid, virtually every journey I made was green. This was partly due to travel-sickness but mainly because we were always too strapped for cash to venture further than the Isle of Wight.

I don’t travel well. I suffer from mal de mer, drive like an idiot, hate airports and can’t read time tables. Last time I tried to find my platform at King’s Cross I accidentally ended up on the train to Hogwarts.

I don’t travel well. I suffer from mal de mer, drive like an idiot, hate airports and can’t read time tables. Last time I tried to find my platform at King’s Cross I accidentally ended up on the train to Hogwarts.

“When you get to Costa Fortune it’s filled with people who look like they eat their own young and restaurants which ought to say ‘Sorry, we’re open’”

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Stand-up comedienne Netty Wendt is made up with her green beauty regime

The comedy scene in Brighton is young and vibrant. I want to look young and vibrant even though, like many women my age, I have recently turned thirty-ten.

The fact is I suddenly have friends to whom I can say “I have mascara older than you.” This is bad news as old make-up harbours millions of perfectly made-up bugs n’ beasties, so always bin it when it’s had its day, or in my case they stop making it!

“I have always believed in ‘green’ make-up. By that, I don’t mean the Doctor Who variety. I mean the ethically produced grease and powder we ladies paint our pretty faces with”

Hair and cosmetics are important to me. I have to get it right, the audience needs to see my face (poor things) and ideally that means defined lips and eyes without looking like a drag queen. Also, the bird’s nest that is my hair must be conditioned and off my face so the punters don’t think they’ve walked into an audience with Chewbacca.

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